Someone told me that my nose was sunburnt. I looked in the mirror and they were right, my nose was a horrible scabby red. I think I caught it from Kylie Minogue who I had been seeing recently. She is very frigid that woman. I don’t think we will ever have sex.

I was sitting at a patio table outside the cemetery gates when my mother walks past me, ignoring me completely. She was carrying her washing with her as she entered the gate. I shouted to her, she looked around and noticed me. She sat down beside me and we had a cup of tea outside the cemetery gates.

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